Dreaming about sleeping.

Lately I've found it very hard to get a full nights sleep without waking wondering where the hell I am and answering the phone when no one calls. My restlessness is causing massive bags under my already droopy eyes and my smile is slowly beginning to fade. I find it harder to wake up in the mornings and find it harder to go to sleep. Am I thinking THAT hard that its impossible for me to sleep a full night? To wake up in the morning and yell "GOOD MORNING!" (Note: who ever does that, you deserve to be depressed) would be a life changing experience. I think too much about everything when I sleep. This "task" isnt enjoyable anymore, it used to be fun! Now its just tiring...since when was sleeping tiring!?

Since I started highschool ive always had a thing about sleeping. Its probably the most a teenager will ever do, and do successfully. I usually get home from school and go have a sleep, which I know is very unhealthy but it's probably the only way I stay up for dinner. But now it's sort of getting to a point where I have threethirtyitis (when my brain is blank) and I sleep till dinner time, then I dont sleep till 2am (when my brain is most active). Am I just creating one big hole of sleepy? I should be the boogey man, at least it would keep my mind off things bothering me.

So now I think..."oh my god, its 3am and I havnt slept. What am I going to do tomorrow? I mean today? Is it tomorrow? Wait...when IS yesterday? What did I do yesterday? Ohh that's right...blah blah blah." until it's 4am. THEN im fucked. The worst is when I'm just getting to sleep when mum is waking up at 6am. Then you can hear her stomping around, cleaning dishes and talking the cats. Goes a little something like this..."Oh Bonny! What did you do that for, hmm? What? What? You love me? Oh I love you too..."...Every morning. Don't even get me started on the dog.

One day, hopefully, i'll finally go to bed around a 'normal' time and wake up at a 'normal' time. Open my blinds to the outside world, rub my eyes and smile. Jump from my warm doona and into the shower...where I eventually fall asleep...Hang on...Damn it! Oh well, maybe tomorrow...

...or is it today? ARGHH.

Back to the Future, just.

Being the age I am, It's sort of forced upon me to decide what I want to do and who I want to be right now. Honestly, I'm really looking forward to fucking everyone off and starting again overseas. What better way to start again then just pack up and leave those people who hold you back in your aspirations and dreams. How dare they steal you of your ideas and future. I have so many people around me in my life saying "Go to uni." or "Do your exams." and "You'll fail." Can't I just do what I want? How hard is it to get a fucking break around here without being told what to do or say? Get out of headspace!

Since a young age i've had a hightened sense of maturity so when people talk to me, they speak the truth and treat me like an adult. Most people have different opinions and theories about school and the future. My 'wisdom'; Do what you can, when you can. Dont push it, or you wont finish it. I follow this to the T. I'm such a Stop/Start person I start something and NEVER finish it. A bit like highschool. I really am over all the crap they are feeding my brain and the pressure they put on kids these days to finish.

You can't get a proper job without finishing your VCE certificate or qualifying for a TAFE course in that industry. The rules are getting harsher and less people are becoming professionals due to rising HEX fees and payments. Why should all these things make a difference? Whats the VCE certificate surposed to prove? That you can withhold hell!? Employer says "Ah, Meagan...I see you have been to hell and back? How was it?" I say "Um..Shit." Employer says "Congratulations, you've got the job!"...Yeah right.

All I want to do is be myself. Stay true to my beliefs and thoughts. I want to see the world, not just hear stories. I want to experience everything there is the experience. None of this book bullshit or study for my future crap. That CAN wait...

But my heart can't.

Too late to apologise?

I'm in a bit of a pickel. Basically I fucked up big time...me and my loud mouth has once again put pressure on me and my relationships with my closest and most trusted friends. Things were said that maybe shouldn't have been said and somehow it feels like its all my fault. And you now what, it probably is, i'm not going to deny that what I say and do can be a bit out of line. The thing that annoys me is that when I do offend people they say nothing and then one day they snap and bring things from months and months ago that you dont even remember saying. Honestly, Id rather bite the bullet straight away then let someone hold it in the gun for months before shooting me. Those bloody bullets can really hurt.As much as I try to keep my mouth from straying to anti-social behaviour and boasting, I lose sight of whats around and who is listening. Also known as, STFU Syndrome, where the affected can't shut the fuck up. I have STFU and a bad case at that. I've been known to say a few offensive things and maybe gone too far...but trust me there IS worse people out there. You just can't here them because they're locked up in prison for disordily conduct and domestic disturbances.

So when the other 'victim' finally fesses up and says "I hate how you talk to me.", "What you say offends me." and "You're a bitch." it's sort of a bit too late for that. Why can't the person just say at the time "You're a bitch. STOP. Before you say anything more ofensive you snob." and i'd say "Oh really? I didnt know it offended. Thank you for telling me, i'll stop now."...something along those lines, depending on the person i'm talking too. And if your reading this and going, maybe you should think before you speak, for me...its almost impossible. I have so much to say in such little time. The STFU Syndrome just takes over my mouth and all the sudden what I was thinking is now offending everybody left, right and centre!

I'm going to take this time now to say sorry. Sorry to all the people I have offened with my big mouth and all the secrets I have told people when I should't have. Sorry to the people that trusted me and I let them down. Sorry that i'm not shutting my mouth to make you happy. You know what, Im sorry the world is fucked up and people are dying everyday. Im sorry my mouth has ruined your life...seriously, if you were human enough, who cares what I think. My opinion might be the complete opposite to what your thinking. The people I talk to choose to listen to me and if they dont like it...then they dont talk to me. Thats what friends are for, listening to you shit on. All that matters is your opinion...

...your just reading mine.